This summer I was feeling “sort of stretched–like butter spread across too much bread” in the words of Bilbo Baggins. And I was trying to figure out where my discontentment and general worn-out-ness was coming from.
Because Daniel had a month off of work between his internship and his new job, we had the rare opportunity to switch around our family responsibilities. I left almost every day to work on writing, catch up on emails, and finish other projects that the spotty internet we had when we lived at the farm had made impossible to complete.
Daniel took the kids to the zoo and the museum. He went to the grocery store and kept the homefires burning. He cooked all the meals and because he’s far more culinarily-inclined than I, we ate like kings.
I got dressed everyday. Like, ACTUALLY DRESSED with makeup and hair done and sometimes cute heels and found a corner at one of Waco’s splendid coffee shops with my laptop. I was so productive! Work got DONE. And my brain got a break from the constant questions and requests from small children. Hours went by without anyone asking me for a snack. And then I’d arrive home to a clean house with mind-blowingly amazing food on the table and happy children. I even applied for a full-time job because the setup was so dreamy…..for awhile.
After the novelty wore off, I started to really miss being home. Missing out on all the mornings at the zoo and art projects and readalouds was a bummer. I wasn’t thrilled to be rushing out the door solo anymore. It started to feel lonely in my corner of the coffee shop. I was desperate for updates about what cute things the kids were doing while I was away. I just missed them. Missed them tons.
I didn’t get that full-time job I applied for and I was so relieved. Because I’d figured out that I really LIKED my life as it was before. I love homeschooling my kids. I love teaching them to recite poetry and reading book after book aloud on the couch. I love the cute things they say and the goofy dances they do. I love taking them to the library, the zoo, the museum, and the park. I was hating missing any of that.
On the other hand, sure, I love my work. I love to write. I love speaking. I love blogging. I love podcasting and connecting on social media. My creative work is energizing and refreshing. And honestly, I wouldn’t mind getting to do a little more of it. But right now, working from home here and there is enough. I realized that I don’t want to change anything.
Here’s what my “month off” taught me:
I Needed an Attitude Check
Daniel didn’t text me complaints about the kids’ behavior when he was home all day with them. He didn’t sigh when I got back in the evening and asked how his day was. He was so positive and happy to be spending time with the kids. This really was an attitude check for me because “positive and happy” does not always describe my demeanor when I’ve been taking care of the kids all day. But that’s how I want my attitude to be. I want to be so grateful and happy to get to be there with them.
Working full-time for awhile also reminded me that even though I wasn’t running around after small children all day, my brain was still worn out from work at the end of the day. It’s easy to think that our task is always harder than the task our spouse is doing. I’ve definitely been guilty of assuming my job is harder because I stay home and being all WELCOME HOME FROM YOUR 8 HOUR VACATION when Daniel walks in the door in the evening. But if I’m honest I realize that we’re both doing hard things that are simply hard in different ways to serve our family.
Maintaining the House Is Valuable
When you’re working all day, it really does feel great to come home to a clean-ish house and some good food. I found myself appreciating any housework Daniel did during the day tons because then when I was home I could just enjoy the kids and have family time. It was a good reminder that those things really are valuable for the stay-at-home parent to do. Not that the stay-at-home parent should be tackling ALL the household responsibilities because kids plus dishes plus laundry plus all the other house stuff is too much for mere mortals (or at least for me) to handle. But all the little things the stay-at-home parents does during the day are a huge gift to the whole family. They’re valuable. And true confessions: I think Daniel did a better job than I do at running our home. He really inspired me to take things up a notch and make this little space somewhere that’s a joy to spend time.
Get Dressed. Like Actually Dressed.
It makes me feel good to get dressed for the day, even if we’re not going anywhere. I say this while I’m wearing a messy bun, yoga pants, and a sweatshirt, but I’m sick today and so it’s survival mode (AKA chaos) over here. But on a typical day, putting mascara on and wearing a cute outfit helps my mood. Maybe it’s vanity, but if I feel pretty whilst fielding the 3823483724th question about Star Wars, I’m likely to enjoy the talk about Chewbacca more than I would have.
Breaks Aren’t Nice. They’re Essential.
Only in hindsight did I realize how much I needed some time off. I think one of the major reasons I was feeling discontent is that I didn’t have enough “off the clock” time. That month off from being the stay-at-home parent did wonders for my energy levels and general life satisfaction. It gave me a refreshing break AND reminded me how much I actually love being home by giving me the opportunity to miss my kids. For any mom, but homeschooling moms in particular, this is just crucial. You should get a chance to miss your kids every so often. Otherwise, you’re looking at a serious case of burn out just around the corner.
One of the ways I’m getting that “time off” is by walking in the mornings. I need the exercise, it gives me energy, AND it’s a break from the mentally exhausting task of caring for children. I also am trying to go out with a girlfriend every week or so, take a few hours every weekend to myself for writing projects or reading a novel, and prioritizing date nights (we’re switching off with some friends to save money on babysitters). I know that that self-care is not a luxury, it’s absolutely necessary.
My Life Was Already Pretty Grand
I absolutely love going fun places with my kids. Watching them run around at the park or the zoo, learning beside them at the museum, picking out books at the library. I love it. I love that homeschooling gives us the opportunity to make those activities part of our days. This is such a gift and I don’t want to forget that. Ever. Having time off reminded me of how great I have it.
Don’t Just Complain. Consider Whether You Actually WANT a Change.
It really helps to know that you’re not stuck. One of the things I love about Daniel is that if I ever express a lot of frustration over the current situation, he always is open to changing things. If I say I’m not sure I want to be home anymore, he offers to help me brainstorm other possibilities. When I told him about that job I applied for he was totally down to be SAHD if I wanted to go back to work. He reminds me that I’m not actually stuck, if I want to make a change there’s probably a solution. That’s when I usually realize I just need a break because I don’t actually WANT to work full-time away from the kids, stop homeschooling, send them all to boarding school in Switzerland or whatever the issue of the day is.
From Here On Out
Next time I’m worn down and unsure of how we should structure our family life, I want to remember my month off. I want to offer myself a break. I think no one, or at least very few parents, are wired to be around their children 24/7 without needing a chance to recharge. Parenthood can exhaust us to the point that we forget all the goodness and grace that flows through that vocation. But sometimes a little time off the clock is all we need to recover the joy of it.
It’s pretty amazing to know that if we ever discern that it would be best for our family for me to work and for Daniel to stay home that he could rock life as a homeschooling stay-at-home dad of three. It’s nice to know that our family could thrive with an unconventional setup. Because who knows? Maybe it will happen someday. But it’s also nice to know that right now where I am is exactly where I want to be–right in the middle of this messy world of home life with three beautiful little souls to spend my days loving. I’m grateful to have the reminder that this is something special.
I loved this. I’m a SAHM, too and I think I sometimes also fall into the trap of thinking my job is more exhausting than my husband’s, but it’s this was a good reminder of what a gift my time at home is. Thanks!
Ohhhhhh, Haley….this is EXACTLY what I needed to read this morning. As a homeschooling, SAHM I feel so guilty when I need time off…but this affirms to me how important that time is for the health of our family. Thanks for your honesty, friend!
I really liked the part about needing the opportunity to actually miss your kids! I don’t homeschool my kids, so maybe i SHOULD be considering thise 8 hours a daily mini-vaca from them, but really, i don’t. And so, sometimes, when they are at each other’s throats bickering all i can think of is how badly I want “off-the-clock” time! But reading that other moms out there also want to “get away” sometimes makes me feel a tad less guilty! Thanks for sharing!
This is a great post! I was a part time teacher for a year in between our 3rd and 4th.. While I really enjoyed it.. I was exhausted.. the house was more chaotic and our meals were more often than not of a frozen boxed variety.. (I should add that my spouse did not stay home.. we had grandparents helping..) But I needed that experience to remind myself that I actually am choosing in a positive way to stay home with my kids… And that this time will go by faster than I can imagine. And it’s nice to know that some day I can devote more time to so my career.. but like you I do need an outlet now and am grateful for the few little writing projects I do have.
Oy, you speaking to my brain and heart space today. I’m at SAHM to 4, and I have just been feeling DONE. So touched and talked out and feeling like my life is *so* much harder than my husband’s. I know it’s not, but man is it easy to think that when I’m tired and burned out (and I too have a great and understanding husband. Thank the Lord for them, right?). This post was a good reminder for me. Thank you!
It was nice to read about the things you enjoyed while you were the parent working outside the home. Both my husband and I hold fulltime jobs and, I admit, I sometimes feel guilty for enjoying getting dressed up and leaving the house in the mornings and sometimes feeling relieved when Monday rolls around. I always felt a little shallow about it, so it’s nice to hear that I am not the only one.
This is a wonderful post, Haley, and it really reflects my heart lately. I am a mom of 15 month old boys and after they were born I switched from full time to part time work. I lost my job when they were 10 months old and that was a big chance to re-evaluate the setup I had. I was fortunate to find another part time job after only a month, and my brief unemployment reinforced to me that my life was/is GREAT. Like you, I can gratefully say that I am exactly where I want to be, and I need to remember that when I am tempted to compare myself to either SAHMs or full-time working moms. Thanks for writing this!
This is great Haley. I experienced a microcosm of this when we spent part of last month in Italy with just the baby. I was so pumped! I needed a break! My kids were killing me! And then…I was miserable. Like pull-your-hair-out-miserable, for most to the trip. I missed the kids and my ordinary, trudging along life and tedious time at home with them so much. I didn’t need a radical, sweeping break from them, just the manageable weekly kind that are so essential for a healthy mom/life balance.
Thank you for this! I taught full time for 2 years while my hubby stayed home with the kids. I felt like I was missing so much. Now I am a SAHM and feel bad when I get frustrated, because I desperately wanted this. The break is key! Especially when I am an introvert!
Great opportunity for perspective! Just one catch. Daniel served as a STAY at home dad. You’ve always been a WORK at home mom. Big difference when it comes to expectations for yourself, whether it’s cleaning or fancy meals. You’re comparing your two jobs to his one and saying he’s better at it. It’s not a competition or comparison, just a reminder to give yourself credit when due!
One of the nuggets I took away from my coaching was this statement: “Complaints are latent vision.” When we complain, we’re acknowledging we have an idea of how things could be better and when we recognize that that’s what’s happening when we complain, we start looking for solutions.
My husband and I had a conversation not too long ago about how things shifted after we had children. In our discussion, I confessed there was no way I could maintain the intensity and commitment to work as I had pre-kids, if I were to go back to work today (post-kids). Not while they are little, that is…
I am a HUGE advocate for taking some time to re-charge my Mommy batteries, and struggle to get dressed on days where we are doing laundry and not leaving the house. But, at the end of the day, I am trying my hardest to implement some of these same techniques!
Great post!
Yes! When I have the opportunity to miss my children I enjoy them so much! It’s a great place to be.
Good post! And so true! As we are finding our new normal after the move I’m learning that I don’t just need a break, but need breaks to meet specific needs of mine. A random afternoon off is nice, but I’d rather meet specific needs of mine with a weekly adoration hour, 20 minutes after dinner for a walk with just the littlest in the double stroller and time to catch up on phone calls to friends without big kids eavesdropping, also regular date nights are wonderful! What a fun refreshing break to switch rolls for just a month to recharge!
Lovely post. Thank you for labouring over it to share with us. I think you’re echoing what I’m hearing January Donovan say and teach with her Art of Being a Woman blog. http://www.januarydonovan.com
I too have discovered the wonders of putting on Real Clothes in the morning! Its kind of amazing how well it works to help me find that extra bit of energy to live my day well. Plus, bonus points for pretty underwear too, haha,
I really love everything you wrote about here. I’m in the middle of figuring out my own groove, and its so reassuring to hear that other moms have similar needs. It can be difficult to see anything outside of “I need to eat and then nurse the baby” as a need, but it so important to allow ourselves, as moms, to thrive. When we thrive, is it much easier to see the grace and peace in our lives too.
Great post! 🙂
When Pippin was a baby, working a 10-hour-a-week job, some from home and some at the library was SUCH a luxury. I needed to miss him! I’ve settled more into my roll as mother now and Scout was a much easier baby, but I’m surprised how much I’ve been enjoying the three hours a week away at homeschool coop when I’m teaching and they are in their classes. It’s important to recharge!
Your article expresses how I feel too! Plus, my husband is better at cooking and taking care of the house than I am too. Glad I’m not the only one. I’m going to start getting dressed and being more positive too. :$
Oops! I meant 🙂 not :$!
Thanks so much for posting this! I’ve only been a SAHM 6 months, but this was a very helpful reminder to be more motivated about it 😀 And it came at. just. the. right. time.
I love the idea about swapping date nights/babysitting with another family!
This is very interesting to read. I have worked part time for most of my kids’ lives (and that’s going on 22 yrs now!) and people wonder why I do it. (I have 11 kids, so many people think I should be SAHM or homeschooling and all that). I discovered for the few times I was SAHM, I was terrible. – things would not be the fun carousel of activities I’d planned! I’ got quite blue and boring.
I like the structure of work and giving me a chance to miss my kids. Working full time one year was a big struggle too (though my husband would be an awesome stay at home dad!). I think when I’m not working, I do not EVER get alone time (grocery shopping doesn’t count ). If I were t b e home again, I would take heed your advice and schedule some me time every week.
I swear by the Get Dressed rule! It does so much for my energy level and my self confidence. Nothing is too hard to tackle when you feel good in your own skin/clothes:-)
Also take a break as a couple! In our 8.5 years of marriage we have managed to sneak off for a weekend ALONE together at least once every 2 years. It is AMAZING how refreshing it is to see each other as individual people again and not just “mommy and daddy”. It doesn’t have to be a trip to Hawaii either. Something as simple as booking a hotel or and airbnb in your own home town works! I can’t sing the praises of “mini honeymoons” enough!
Great post!
Thanks for this post! I feel like I am just NOW coming into this role as SAHM of a 4yo and 2yo after one year. I worked FT while my husband was a SAHD, writing his PhD Dissertation, and editing a journal PT. He rocked taking care of the home front way better than I have been! This post is a good reminder to put a smile on my face and not look like a completely wrecked mother when he comes home after a 10 hour day. Biggest takeaway is that it is OK to need regular breaks. My family deserves a mother and wife who takes care of herself spiritually, emotionally, and physically. If taking a break once or twice a week is what will help, then I need to do it. End of story 🙂 Thanks again!!!
This is so encouraging! Although at first glance it probably doesn’t make sense how I would be encouraged by your month off… (Ha!) I’m more encouraged because I felt much the same way last month, after I was able to have a weekend to myself. You articulated many of the feelings I had, and with them written down I’ll be far more likely to remember them. And that’s the good thing. Thank you.
I wish I could relate… but I struggle with being a SAHM and there is no way I could cope with homeschooling! Some days I even wonder if I love my kids, as all I seem to do is tell them to clean up after themselves and stop fighting! I feel like I’m constantly catching up and have little time to play with them… I often don’t want to play if I do have time cos I’m just sick of the fighting! I have 2 boys at school (8yrs and almost 6yrs) and two girls at home (4yrs & 2yrs) and am expecting baby #5 just before Easter. I was so glad when school holidays just ended and the boys were back at school. Fighting in the house dramatically decreased, until 3pm when they got home!
My husband does an amazing job whenever I’m sick and he is being the SAHD, that I too feel somewhat guilty that he does things better than I. He’s a great cook too.
I work part-time from home, just a few hours a week, but often struggle to fit that in. As for any “me time” or exercise, that is so rare. I try to go to an aqua class once a week but it seems recently every aqua night there is something else on and I can’t go. We have no family in our city and not enough close friends that we could date night swap with to get that in. We get one or two a year for our anniversary and occasionally when my MIL visits. She lives in a small town about 4hrs away and my family are all overseas.
Sorry, I’m having a hard day and perhaps just needed to share….we are also in the process of packing up our house to move to a bigger place so we have space when the baby arrives! Thanks for listening.
Mikaela,
You sounded so discouraged, I had to write. I am sure you know you love your kids! It sounds like you are tired and feeling overwhelmed, plus you’re pregnant, plus you’re in the middle of moving – my goodness! That’s enough to make anyone weary. Take a deep breath :). What kind of alone time you can plan? Can the girls have a quiet time in their room before the boys get home from school? And that would give you a quiet time? Some alone time/quiet time can do wonders for your perspective. I’ll be praying that you find a good balance and find some peace. ~hugs
I have to second quiet time. I have a 4 year old, 2 year old and an 8 month old and even tho my four year old doesn’t nap anymore he still has an hour and a half of quiet time in his room while the two year old naps. I NEED this to be able to function myself, but I also think it’s so good for him. He gets to play alone doing what he wants to do with no interruptions from his little sister, and no fighting, and I get to just be…away from them for a while haha. And I don’t feel guilty about it at all! I hope you can get some rest, because like the PP said, you have a LOT going on right now, it’s no wonder you are exhausted!!
Thank you so much Beth Ann. Your comment was very encouraging.
Yes I’m weary and I probably need quite a few deep breaths! I am trying to fit in a short quiet time in the mornings to start my day, mostly I’ve made it this month. So I think that will help, Thanks again for taking the time to reply to me. And if you remember over the next month to say a prayer or two for me I’d really appreciate it. We get the keys to the new house on Nov 4 and will be moving over the following week….just in time for our 10th wedding anniversary on Nov11. 🙂
Thanks Beth Ann – hugs accepted <3
Thanks, Haley. The part that stands out for me is having a chance to miss the kids. I find when I don’t get enough time alone, and too much time with the kids, I start craving an escape and start thinking about getting a paid job, and simply not being a sahm anymore– or ever again!
Although I will need to work again, down the road, for now I can recognize my desire to work is a desire to take a break from these minions…
now the hard part begins – figuring out HOW to get a break 😉
Thank you SO much for sharing and being HONEST! I have been a SAHM for 3 years now, and have started to feel some burnout. I am in a challenging season of kiddo life having 3 five and below. I read your posts and have felt so guilty that I’m grouchy to my family (especially my husband, who is AWESOME, but I get ya on the whole “8 hour vacation” thing) after a long day of answering a bazillion questions. But this post was #realtalk! You feel like me? Yep. You don’t have it all figured out either? Yep. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Really thought-provoking article. One thing I always struggle with when “off the clock” time goes from being essential to selfish, know what I mean?
I feel like I really could’ve written this post. I work full-time but there are days I get home from work and I’m desperate for a break from the daily grind of cooking dinner, dishes and the (sometimes) constant whining of my two little ones. Then, the guilt comes in. I shouldn’t feel this way. But I realize, I just need a break every now and then to recharge my battery. This is a great read and I really appreciated it! Thanks!
Absolutely! I couldn’t agree more. I often feel like I need an attitude check as well, haha. My husband is always so so grateful, but I think the key, like you said is to take breaks when available and needed so that I am happy and choosing to come back to it instead of feeling like this is a chore I’m slogging through.
I just started back to work full time, leaving my husband as the stay-at-home dad to four (6 months – 6yo). I think my husband is better at being the stay-at-home parent than I was, too! I still have my heart set on being a homeschooling stay-at-home mom, but I’m going to work on appreciating this time for what it is.
I work three days a week, and one of my favorite things about the days I’m home with the kids (aside from spending time with them, of course!) is not having to shower right away or get dressed up. To me, wearing comfy pants and not worrying about my hair is such a welcome perk of not going into the office. I know everyone’s different, but SAHMs should not feel any shame for living in yoga pants–I say enjoy it, ladies ☺️
We just went through the exact same thing! I didn’t get a month off, but we discerned changing everything. I do feel tired of homeschooling, tired of being home all the time. I wanted to work more. We are still in the midst of it, but we did decided to send our kids to catholic school next year instead of homeschool. Now I will have more time to work from home if I can make that business grow in my spare time. It’s so weird! But also exciting and I’m glad I’m not the only one who has these thoughts and desires! I also did turn down a full time job last year and a wave of relief followed : )