I keep dozens of succulents alive. They probably hang on the wall with a contraption I built myself from a design on Pinterest. The light streams in through sheer white curtains onto the wall where my little green charges reside.
Not just the curtains but almost everything in this loft is white. White couch, white cushions. White bedspread. White walls with some exposed brick to add some character.
I wake early because I’ve had a full night’s sleep. My drawers are all organized. My shower tiles are always sparkling clean. I start the day with yoga and hot tea (I am the sort of person who knows a lot about tea in this imaginary life). Then I write for a few hours before taking a stroll through botanical gardens or an art museum to “clear my head” for more writing.
I go to a pottery class in the afternoon and say things to my fashionable friends like, “I just feel so centered when I’m at the wheel.” I cook exotic meals in the evening and eat on my balcony overlooking the city. I don’t have to talk to anyone all day if I don’t want to.
But this is not real life. This is nothing like my life.
I don’t own white anything. My couches are brown, the rugs are patterned so they don’t show stains easily. I don’t try to keep houseplants alive. The drawers are always a disaster, the shower always needs “attention.” I haven’t had a full night’s sleep since 2008.
My writing is done in the in between hours of a boisterously busy home life: four kids, homeschooling, small house, chickens, goats. We eat a lot of soup because it’s cheap and easy to prepare after an afternoon of extracurriculars.
It’s not the White Loft Succulents, but it’s my life. It is FULL: of people I love, of tasks to be done, of books to write. I am a writer, but I am also a mother, a wife, a friend.
My life is not tranquil, but it is as real as the flesh and bones that comprise my body. It is as loud as the gibbon habitat at the local zoo. It fills me with joy every single day.
But it’s nothing like my imaginary succulents and the white couch life. Because that life in my head is all about me. Each moment of the day is orchestrated for my comfort, my satisfaction, my perfect vision of tranquil days. And God didn’t give me that life.
He gave me a life that would require me to move outward from my wants and desires each hour of the day, to pour myself out for the love of others. A life full of the discomforts that stretch us and turn us into who we were meant to be and the people we learn to love more than ourselves. It is a life that each day saves me from the tyranny of Me.
It’s a life so full that I always have something to write about. I am constantly learning, growing, failing, retrying, moving in concentric circles that expand ever wider like the expansion of my heart in this blessed life.
My family does not hold me back from my imaginary life, they save me from it. The creative spark that burns when I put words on a page burns only brighter because I live a life of constant creation. Creating a home. Even creating the people who fill it. I can brew a book in my brain, but I can craft a human body in my womb to emerge kicking and crying into the light of life. It is all grace.
Do not dwell on whatever the Succulents and Pottery Class Life is in your own head. Live your life. And live it for other people. It was handcrafted for you. Embrace your family–as they are, not how you imagine them to be (less exhausting, less noisy, less irritating). Decide that this is who they are and love the heck out of them.
Take breaks when you need them. Life is hard. Spend a weekend in an apartment with succulents now and then, with white cushions that no one will jump from whilst wearing muddy sneakers. Breathe and rest because human beings need these things. But live your life. Don’t play “I could, if only.” Play, “I can, right here.”
There is time to have houseplants and white couches and quiet mornings someday in the future. I’ll probably hate it and miss the noise. “How can I write with all this SILENCE?” I’ll say. I’ll borrow some neighborhood kids and pay them to bang on pots and pans so I can actually get some work done.
Okay, I won’t do that. I won’t need to because God has a way of figuring out how to help us turn from ourselves to love someone else who needs that love–no matter what stage of life we’re in. I hope I can embrace whatever it is that pushes me to move outward from myself when it shows up. Maybe I can have succulents, too. You never know.
“My family doesn’t hold me back from my imaginary life, they save me from it.” Hayley you spoke such truth here – I could wax on and on, but hope young moms see your post and take it to heart.
Amen!
This is so beautiful! This really resonated with me. Thank you for writing it. God bless you and your sweet family!
Enjoy all the little moments now because they will grow up too quickly and move on! You will have those quiet times later, too many of them! The joy will come from seeing what wonderful humans you have created, and getting them all to come home again.
Yes! Thank you so much for sharing these important insights and reminders that we are not meant to live only for ourselves. As a young 30-something who is still single, it is so easy to fall into a selfish and isolated life, but you remind me that is not actually what I want and it’s not what I am made for. Even while I am still single, I try to be open and pour myself out for others; for my siblings and their children, for my mother, for my friends. Keep going, mama. You inspire us all!
I needed this reminder today – thank you!
This is beautiful, true, and such a great reminder. Thanks!
Every mother needs this quote: “My family does not hold me back from my imaginary life, they save me from it.” Thank you, Haley!!
“My family does not hold me back from my imaginary life, they save me from it.”
Yes, yes, yes! So true when I ponder how my introverted self, if left to her own devices, would tend to prefer being in a quiet corner with a pile of books and mug of coffee, yet here I find myself in the midst of a bustling household with 8 children and a dog. Just doesn’t square with my obsessive sensibilities, but it is pure joy!
Thank you for this. There is so much truth and encouragement in it.
God bless you and yours,
Melisa
“My family does not hold me back from my imaginary life, they save me from it.” Thank you for this post! I desperately need to hear this right now in my very messy LOUD life. The life I have crafted in my head will never be mine and really, I don’t want it to be.
So beautiful, Haley. It takes some time to accept that Our Lord does not want us to be interior designers – unless that is or calling. I keep bringing home books on minimalist organizing. Dream on. The authors and especially photographers of these books work in houses without children and without stuff. And the stuff they have all matches:)I started taking photographs of our house of organizational areas matching those in the book. One day I am going to publish them side by side with the book’s photos to give moms a good laugh.
This resonated so strongly with me. It articulates so well thoughts I have every time I hear people say they do not want to have children. With some exceptions for cases of extreme health circumstances, most of the time the argument run like “I just wouldn’t be a good parent because I’m not patient, I’m selfish, etc” or “I want freedom to do my thing when and where I want and don’t want to be tied down”. Every time I hear that I think about how much having children molds and shapes you for the better. Left to our own devices we don’t tend to choose sacrifice. Having children has made me a far better person than I could have ever been without.
This post speaks to my soul today: “Pour myself out or the love of others” and “It is a life each day that saves me from the tyranny of ME”. I live inside my head far too much imagining a life that doesn’t exist, instead of living my actual life to the fullest. This is the third time in the past three days that I’ve heard some version of this message, so I am taking that as God telling me to do more with myself for the love of others. Thank you!
Lots of great thoughts here, and so funny. Killing all the succulents…yes!!….because I just did kill one and it’s right I my kitchen sink windowsill. What the heck??!! I have no idea how to keep them alive either.
Oh, Haley, this is so good —- > Don’t play “I could, if only.” Play, “I can, right here.”
YES. Thank you for these words.
PS My life is WAY different than I imagined it to be, too.
Needed this today!❤️❤️❤️
Yesssss… these words are just what I need to hear today. Seeing so many succulents and white couches on the internet is more discouraging than I acknowledged!
“I go to a pottery class in the afternoon and say things to my fashionable friends like, “I just feel so centered when I’m at the wheel.”
“I’ll borrow some neighborhood kids and pay them to bang on pots and pans so I can actually get some work done. ”
I laughed SO HARD. You are so wonderful. I am amazed how often something is on my heart and I find it written about here, in such a well-formed and articulated way. Grateful for your writing.
FWIW!
I’m an old lady with no kids, one cat, a husband and a job……..I still can’t keep succulents alive!
You ladies rock.
Thank you. I’ve been going down a succulent-filled, white-walled rabbit hole for the past few days and this post pulled me back to real life.