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The other day I was telling a friend about some parenting challenges I was facing and how overwhelmed and inadequate I felt about mothering one of my kids. He said, “You know, I realized the other day that there is absolutely no way I won’t screw up my kids to some degree. It’s just going to happen. My parents are fantastic and I still have issues because of their parenting choices. My kids will have issues because of me no matter how hard I try or how well I parent.”
You might think I’d feel defeated by his insight, but I felt so relieved. We’re ALL screwing up our kids! No reason to be paralyzed with fear over each and every one of my parenting choices. I will inevitably fail to raise offspring with no issues or baggage because of my parenting.
Do you know even one person who can say that they don’t have any issues from how they were raised–no matter how exemplary their parents were? We’ve all been a little screwed up by our parents, not because they were bad parents but because they’re people.
So that’s one less thing to be anxious about before falling asleep at night. I’m not perfect and while doing my best, I’m still a messy and flawed person. So is everyone is my family. And my kids will have issues because of me.
Here’s hoping some of those issues will actually make them thriving adults. “My mom was so disorganized and I’m simply scarred by it, so I have to make my bed every morning and keep an immaculate fridge as my REBELLION against the unmade beds, socks without matches, and messy shelves of my childhood. It’s the secret to my success!” Wishful thinking, for sure, but one can dream.
But I’m not sure what benefits my impatience and selfishness could possibly have on my children. I know I’m not doing it all right, no matter how much I want to. And that to some degree, my kids will suffer for it. But there’s something liberating at acknowledging my defeat. Instead of failing at being a perfect mother I can aspire to be a damn good one.
Will my children remember me as a mother who loved them and tried her best to raise them well? Will they remember being important and valued? Will they remember feeling safe in our home? Will they remember me as a woman who struggled to be the mother she wanted to be and refused to give up even though she knew she’d never achieve it? That’s what I’m going to shoot for.
Instead of trying not to screw up my kids, I’m going to get up after falling down and start again each day. Maybe trying for a little more patience, a little less yelling, a little cleaner bathtub, a little less iPhone, and a deep breath when I remember that my motherhood won’t be perfect, but it can still be damn good.
Can’t wait to watch the video. My (wise, but human) mother said to me, “yes, I made mistakes raising you guys . . . Don’t make the same ones I did. Go make your own mistakes!” It was so liberating! Yup, I’m going to mess up my kids in some way or form, but I’m not going to stress about it. Just trying to be the best version of myself is enough without the guilt and shame that can go on in my head if I let it.
The videos are so great! It’s so hard not to get paralyzed by the fear.
Great read! In disorganized. I throw those unmatched soks away after awhile. Lol. Oh well.
Same! And then I find them under the couch months later :/
I’ve been getting really good at explaining to my kids what my faults are and why I don’t want them to act like that. Very humbling.
sharing!
Oh, same here. They’re so forgiving, though!
““My mom was so disorganized and I’m simply scarred by it, so I have to make my bed every morning and keep an immaculate fridge as my REBELLION against the unmade beds, socks without matches, and messy shelves of my childhood. It’s the secret to my success!” Wishful thinking, for sure, but one can dream.”
This CAN happen….and not just because of mom….my grandma and a lot of my aunts were packrats; and I panic if I have too much stuff around. “Ahh! The packratty gene is catching up with me!!! Nooo!” And I toss that plastic bag collection or whatever
Ha! Well here’s hoping. I’m not a packrat, we’re pretty minimalist, but nothing’s ever exactly…ahem…tidy.
I came to the same conclusion, recently, except I was being a bit more dramatic than you about it, and wrote in all caps in my common place book:” IT IS HERESY TO ACT AS IF YOU CAN GET YOUR CHILDREN TO HEAVEN BY YOUR WORKS ALONE!”
Because it is. (and nothing says drama like all caps in a common place book, right? ?)
Oh absolutely. I am all about drama in all caps!
Sounds familiar!
I get all my best ideas from the Thompsons. Thanks for the pep talk, friend.
Feeling is mutual.
Yes! I realized a while back that though I’m not failing my kids the way my parents did me, I’m failing them other ways! Now I’m praying that I don’t fail them any worse than my parents did me.
Awesome to see these thoughts articulated!
Thanks, Melanie!
This is great! I think that so often (from what I’ve seen, at least), moms can get caught up and overwhelmed by failures and how not-perfect they are. So I like how you’re just like, “yes, we’re going to mess up our kids, but we’ll just keep on keeping on and try to get better.” And no matter what parents do to “mess up,” their kids can still turn out perfectly fine. Yes, that “wishful thinking” scenario you provide can (and does) happen, too-it’s so good to take the imperfections we have or experience from others and use them as ways to grow and better ourselves.
That’s a great insight, AnneMarie!
Are they releasing a parenting bundle?
They’re releasing a homemaking bundle next week including a parenting section! I’ll be sharing about it here.
Beautiful Haley! One of the best examples my mom gave me was apologizing to me in her failures. Her love for me was never a question. Thanks for writing!
Aw, thanks, Amy! <3
My Dad’s favorite way to say it was “If I don’t give you baggage what will you put your clothes in when you leave home”. I was so lucky to have the folk I have but we all make mistakes.
Ha! Too funny.
I don’t even try with the socks. We just have a massively disorganized sock basket that I stick in the closet so I don’t have to see it. Can’t wait to watch the video!!
I just keep them all in a basket next to the washer and dryer. I’m pretty sure half their mates are back in Florida. :/ The video is just so refreshing.
I think this feelings are a normal part of parenthood, that being said it doesn’t make them any easier when your having them. In my 13 months of being a mother I have had them thousands of times and I have found that if I pray the rosary I feel better.
I specifically pray the joyful mysteries but if I don’t have time or just really need a quick pick-me-upper I pray the last joyful mystery and reflect on that one:
The Fifth Joyful Mystery
THE FINDING OF JESUS IN THE TEMPLE
When Jesus is twelve years old, He goes with His parents to Jerusalem for the feast of the Passover.
After the feast of the Passover, Joseph and Mary unknowingly set out for Nazareth without Jesus.
At the end of the first day’s journey they discover Jesus is missing.
His parents return immediately looking for Him.
This loss causes grief and anxiety beyond our understanding to the hearts of Mary and Joseph.
On the third day they find Jesus in the Temple among the Doctors who were astonished at His wisdom.
Mary: “Son, why have you done this to us? Your father and I have been searching for you in sorrow.”
Jesus: “Why did you search for me? Did you not know that I must be about my Father’s business?”
Jesus goes down with them to Nazareth, and is subject to them.
Mary keeps all these things in her heart.
This always makes me feel better, just knowing that the Holy Family was like all the other families in the world
Daniel and I talk about this all the time! Mary and Joseph lost their child for DAYS. If it can happen to them, it makes me feel much better about my parenting.
I’ve been thinking about this lately, too, especially in terms of my legacy and how my children will remember me. I’m terrified it will be as a mercurial woman prone to snapping, apologizing, then hugging. I want to be perfect for them and failing at it makes me even crankier :/
But look on the bright side! They’ll remember you as a woman with a GREAT vocabulary. Mercurial FTW! I have that same fear, Katherine. I’m sure you notice your own missteps much more than they do, though. You’re one of the moms that inspires me, don’t be so hard on yourself!
Thank you. I needed this. Let’s be honest: I need this tattooed on my arm. Or my eyelids.
Thank you for your encouragement and perspective! Your kids are blessed to have you for their mom.
Thanks, Lindsay! <3
You know what screwing up our children really isn’t the problem – as long as they feel loved and cherished. As parents we tend to forget that our children are a lot more forgiving with us than we are!
And it’s never a bad idea to tell our kids: “You know what, I totally messed up, I’m so sorry!”
So true! I have several friends who had “perfect” moms and they feel screwed up b/c they aren’t “perfect” moms and what is wrong with them that they aren’t as perfect as their mothers?! So — yes, in spite or because of our flaws, we will mess them up. And they will need Jesus. Like everyone else.
Our son said yesterday to my husband and me, “I love how quickly you forgive each other.” So no, we’re not modeling perfect submission and love. But he’s seeing real live sinners saved by God’s grace in action! Good enough!
Here is my source of hope: I ask the Lord for my life to be a worthy offering for my children’s holiness, I know he has accepted this, and so I know that I will be given the tools I need to be a vessel of his love for their holiness. I trust that the sufferings I endure, through my children’s struggles or bad behaviors, illnesses, and bad sleep, are what are necessary for me to endure for their holiness. Because I trust in the Lord, where I fail, I acknowledge that it must not be important for their holiness, that the Lord has them in his hands, and that they will here his call. This of course does not preclude apologizing, going to confession, and aspiring to better, but it takes fully into account my humanity and my human incapacity to create saints in my children.
Thanks for sharing this Haley. It was very liberating for me. I had honestly never looked at mothering from that perspective before, but I love the idea of aspiring toward our personal best, rather than simply feeling like a failure, and of never giving up. And of that being what shows our children how much we love them.
Ruben and I were just talking about this! I was saying how unfair it is, that my parents got things right 90% of the time, but the 10% of time they lost patience, or missed the school play, or said the wrong thing, those are the moments that are burned into my brain! I feel so sorry for them, and now I’m there. But, for the most part, we all turn out ok.
This is my favorite subject. Realizing our innate human ineptatude forces us to forgive ourselves and let God fill in the blanks where we don’t measure up. That and lots and lots of “Hail Mary’s.”
Thank you for this post, Haley!
Thank you for this post! I really needed it today. Literally, I was just apologizing to my husband today for failing at this whole parenting thing recently (oh the yelling… oh the whining…). I’ll just keep picking myself up over and over again and trying again. And trying to remind myself that those times I do think I’m failing can be used as reminders that I’m not in control and can’t do it on my own
I’ve so been there!
I think all wise mothers have realized this throughout history; it’s just that now we have new, sometimes ominous, labels for simply being human – baggage, issues, hang-ups, neuroses, etc. I think it’s a result of our scientific age, slaves to methods, that parents think that if they do A + B +C = perfect child! Realistically, if we really know ourselves, we realize that we try to do our best, hoping and praying that our child-rearing inadequacies don’t produce dysfunctional adults. And we should always strive to be better, never shrugging our shoulders and excusing bad parenting with “that’s just the way I am.” My kids might have “baggage” but they don’t have the type of baggage that will make them poor spouses or lousy employees. It’s not an easy road, but so worth traveling.
I agree with Kate! The psuedo-scientific labels! For this, I actually despise the word “parenting” which is a new word in human society– before we just called it life.
Here’s another thing, it seems like the ultimate hubris to say that you are the hinge upon which your child’s life will turn. I like to remember Steinbeck’s “thou mayest” speech in East of Eden, which reminds us that we all have the same fundamental freedom to choose to love God regardless of where we come from.