The Definition of Sexy

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Dear Madly-in-love Newlywed,

Your definition of sexy is about to change. It might take two years, it might take ten. And you’re not going to believe a word I say in these blissful days of butterflies in your stomach at the sound of his voice. It’s going to sound mundane and boring to you now, but just file this away.

What’s your definition of sexy? Getting surprise flowers from your beloved? Chocolate-covered strawberries on Valentine’s Day? A fancy date? The way he makes you laugh? The way it feels to have his arms around you? All that is great and you’ll still think it’s sexy a few years down the road, but it won’t hold a candle to the thrill of:

Your sweet husband cleaning out the fridge containing several tupperwares of leftovers that are now science experiments because you’re pregnant and nauseous and the very idea of stepping foot in the kitchen makes you gag.

When he tells you to put your feet up while he wrangles the preschooler and the toddler at the store to struggle through the week’s grocery shopping so you don’t have to.

Cleaning out the car where he finds several coffee mugs you should have brought inside days ago…and not mentioning it.

The way he makes the baby squeal with laughter by playing peekaboo after just walking in the house after a long day at work.

Trading his beloved quiet morning run for some laps around the neighborhood with the kids in the jogging stroller to give you an extra hour of sleep because he knows you were up all night with the nursing newborn.

That moment each night when he checks on your slumbering children before climbing into bed and you hear him kiss their sleeping foreheads.

It might sound mundane to you. And I suppose it is: these small, daily sacrifices of your life together. But it’s not boring. That kind of sacrificial love can’t be boring. The idea that this man who knows you so well, all of your flaws and weaknesses,  is still willing to lay down his life for yours, to put his family first in things large and small, a million tiny deaths sacrificed for love….there is nothing sexier than that.

So enjoy these days of bliss and butterflies, but just know that it gets so much better as you learn to love each other through the daily grind of life. The honeymoon ends and the marriage begins and it’s more thrilling and exciting than you could ever have imagined. Your definition of sexy is about to change and you have everything to look forward to.

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  1. Neely T says

    I love when my Daniel gets up with the girls on Saturday mornings and lets me sleep in. Or when he takes our toddler to the bouncy house place on Wednesday mornings so she can get some energy out & I can have some quiet time at home with our newborn. I cherish these small-but-mighty acts of love! 🙂

  2. Tina says

    Taking his laptop to the mechanics and getting the car fixed so that I don’t have to take all three kids there on my one day off of work next week while he’s on a long business trip.

    Always putting a glass of water on my bedside table before he goes to bed without me even noticing that he’s doing it.

  3. says

    Absolutely – I’ve often felt like the odd-woman out because when I got married I was long past that “butterflies in the stomach” phase – we had already settled into a much less excitable type of love and I’m so glad for it – there was no disappointment when it started to change as we got married.

    My recent definition revolves around a conversation we had last week – “Are you sure you’re ready for more kids?”, I asked. “Do you know how much I love being a dad? Of course I am, ” he said. Seriously sexier than just about anything. 😉

  4. says

    Ha! This is so interesting that you posted this. On Friday my husband (without! my! asking!) fixed an issue with the front door that had been bothering me for weeks. I told him in all sincerity, “that is the most attractive thing you’ve ever done for me.” He was confused and thought I was kidding…but no, not at all.

  5. says

    It’s so very true. I’m sharing this one on my fb 😉

    This May is our 5 year anniversary and I’ve been reflecting on similar thoughts.

    It’s also sexy when he puts the baby to sleep in the sling because baby is all nursed out and mama just wants to blog or play words with friends 🙂

  6. says

    I love this post! Though my hubs and I don’t have kids, its is amazing how much I value and appreciate even the little things like scrubbing a toilet…just as I love beautiful bunch of wild flowers.
    I agree with you that as our status/family life changes, this word takes on new meaning…good thoughts!

  7. says

    So very true…add to that “taking the baby for a long walk while mom takes a hot bath…just because.” Wouldn’t it be so awful if we stubbornly clung to the old perception of what sexy is?

  8. kathy says

    After almost 39 years of marriage, 7 children, 5 in laws, 13 grandchildren…he still comes in the room and says ” Hi BAAAABY!”

  9. Bekah says

    haha so true! i always tell my hubby the biggest turn on for me is watching him play with the kids or helping with chores around the house!

    • Haley says

      Agreed! I’m most in love when I hear our kids happy laughter playing with their wonderful Daddy.

    • Haley says

      We don’t have any carpet, so I can’t say about the vacuuming, but YES to walking the baby to sleep! 🙂

  10. Martha says

    YES! So many little things like this…just today in the car, he said “I’d be more than happy to hang with the baby if you just want to go blog or read…I know you don’t get a lot of time to do that anymore.”
    HEART MELTING. This on top of encouraging me to go running this morning while he hung with the babe.
    Having a nurturing husband is the only way I’m a half-decent wife.

    • Haley says

      Ah! Be still my heart! When Daniel says, “want to go to the coffee house for a bit and write?” I about lose my mind over him 🙂

  11. says

    “I’m setting my alarm for four, can you get the coffee ready for me?” My husband has a job that is based on lots of inconvenient hours, long trips and a fair amount of pressure. I’m amazed by how much he goes through on a regular basis so the children and I can enjoy a fairly nice lifestyle. He loves what he does, but there is something very very attractive about these daily sacrifices of comfort and convenience to insure we have what we need and I can stay home to care for the kids. Particularly because he just shrugs it off. The day-in, day-out thing is what gets to me.
    Thanks for this blog post. Very sweet.

    • Haley says

      I think the day-in, day-out of going to work everyday when he’s rather be playing with our kids, gardening, writing, running, etc. is the most amazing sacrifice my husband makes for us. He works so very hard so that I can stay home and I am soooo grateful.

  12. Samantha says

    This is so absolutely, undeniably true!

    I love the wrestling/tickling fights I hear on Saturday morning with roars of laughter down the hall!

    I think it’s important to remember – every man loves in his own way, so we (as wives) need to be sure we’re not comparing our wonderful man to the things other men have done for their wives; instead recognize and encourage our men by reciprocating in our own ways. It reminds me of The Five Love Languages.

    Very beautiful. Thank you for the post 🙂

  13. Hannah says

    Yes, yes, yes!!!!! So so true. I have to pinch myself sometimes when I think of how it just keeps getting better. I sing that refrain “Don’t know how you do what you do/I’m so in love with you/It just keeps getting better/Wanna spend the rest of my life/With you by my side/forever and ever” so often, but it really has little to do with “the smell of your skin” or “the taste of your kiss”. My husband serves me in so many ways and that is sexy to me. He forgives me and doesn’t even mention my multitude of shortcomings and failures, which is also very attractive!

  14. Anne says

    THANK you for this blog post. With such ample evidence of the challenges of marriage, this post and the comments it evoked are so encouraging for this single girl to hear.

  15. Amy says

    I LONG for this kind of sexiness! As a 30 year old perpetual single woman and serial dater, I am so sick of the types of guys that only think you’re sexy when you dress up for them and act a certain way (a way I have apparently not figured out). I have actually been rejected for not wearing sexy enough underwear (really? REALLY?!?! yes). I feel like I am already in this “comfortable” part of my life without the relationship to go with it. If I can only find the man who wants these things too, I’m not letting him go and make it my life’s goal to never take him for granted.

    I hope all the women who have this man in their lives knows how lucky they are.


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